Already Dead
by Just Your Average Teenage Girl
Summary: As Edward & Bella come to an end, she finds comfort in an unexpectated friend. Jake imprints on another, leaving her to never recover. Faith, friendship, family, love & hope was gone long ago, with everything else in its miserable tow .::ONESHOT::.
1. Chapter 1

-:-

'_**Nothing is Everything' – A Twilight One-Shot**_

_**By No Ordinary Cinderella**_

-:-

Bella's POV

Dear Diary:

Here I was, at thirty-seven years of age, sitting in a hospital bed.

Alone. Always alone.

Ever since _he _went anyway. He gave me the most happy memories of my life, and then he ripped them to shreds and burnt them. Like he was doing with other vampires possibly right now, without me. The gaping whole began to expand in my chest, showing how heartless I was. He made my life, and he took it too.

When he left, my heart left.

When he left, my mind went.

When he left, my friends walked out on me.

When he left, Bella Swan was not Bella Swan anymore. There was only a catatonic corpse lying on the overridden forest floor in Forks.

Sam found me and his werewolf friends.

Funny, how life starts to get better when you have the enemy of the love of your life cheering you up.

He said he loved me.

They both did.

And where were they now?

Gone.

No one ever loved me, not them, not my friends, not the people I loved. My father didn't even love me anymore. He didn't understand, and it drove us further apart. My mother had Phil, she didn't care anymore. She probably never did.

The only person that truly cared was Leah Clearwater. She already knew what it felt like to have your heart ripped out. She knew _exactly _how it feels to have you body ripped by seam by seam until you have nothing left.

Now she was dead.

She always said I had it worse, seeing as my pain was like hers but tripled.

I found Edward, I learnt about vampires, I fell in love, he played along, he toyed with my heart, he said he loved me, and then he stole my heart, he never did give it back, even though he was long gone.

Then there was Jacob, my heart began to mend, I finally felt half-whole, I finally fell in love again, he also said he loved me. Why did I fall for it a second time?

He even flaunted it in my face. He came round every Sunday and he _flaunted _her right in my face. He imprinted and he also left me. Many said it wasn't Jacob's fault but me and Leah still knew it was. He messed with my heart also, just as my heart was torn out and beginning to sew itself together again, he ripped the seams out. I had to start over again. He wanted my love, he knew he hadn't imprinted on me, he knew the consequences to an already broken girl, but he still lead me on, like _he _did.

I thought my heart had healed. It didn't take long for it to shatter.

This time, I didn't heal. The scars were too deep inside of me, they had dug a depth which they could never be replaced or nourished back to health, and they had scarred and bruised and made me into a heartless wench I was now.

I never thought I'd turn out like Leah. I just did. People said I was worse, much worse.

But they never said that to my face, because they were frightened. No one ever used to be frightened of poor little old me.

Then came along a normal human. A doctor to be exact. He wooed me, he won my heart, or what was left of it. He made me feel as if I had a heart left. He also told me he loved me, and I, like the fool who should know by now, believed him.

We never did get to marry like we planned to do. His name was David Robinson and he cheated on me with his assistant, I saw no remorse in his hazel eyes.

I really did have no heart left for someone to tear and rip at. I was just the living dead. Leah died a week after from a vampire attack.

It seems as if I was not right for love. For any kind of love. From any type of person or type of myth or legend or any other unknown creature inhabiting the earth.

All I felt was pain when I breathed. Not from the physical pain, but from the emotional, heart-wrenching pain.

When I say heart-wrenching, I really mean heart-wrenching. The gaping hole had now found its way through my veins, and they pumped it in large doses to my body everyday. A painful reminder of the memories of my tortured and battered soul.

No one ever did love me.

Why me? Out of everyone who had their hearts broken why was I the one who had to have it broken by three men, all of different beings entirely.

Maybe I wasn't made out of love.

Maybe I was made out of hatred and bitterness.

I already knew I was a mistake from my parents, was I a mistake for cupid? I didn't doubt that he was a legend too, he could possibly live on this earth somewhere.

But I plainly just didn't care.

Not anymore.

All I could feel was with every beat of my pulsating heart, the bleak blackness that over swept my body.

I was tired of being used.

I was tired of being manipulated.

I was tired of the 'I love you' sayings.

I was tired of _love. _

The only true thing I had left was Leah, and she had been killed by Victoria.

Victoria. Just another reminder of the constant plaguing memories of Edward. There was always something that reminded me of him. People's paleness, golden eyes, topaz eyes, black eyes, a hint of bronze hair on a little girl, a Volvo, a white house, a piano, music, Forks, the forest, the meadow, anyone who was roughly 6'2", biology, Forks High, cafeterias, Port Angeles, the movie theatre, La Bella Italia, the snow, the rain, the sunshine, the cold, muscles, a black leather couch, an expensive sound system, my window, yellow curtains, blue walls, my bed, my kitchen, my whole house, my beloved truck, anything and everything revolved back to him.

I had already destroyed my truck. I had grabbed a baseball bat and swung at it profusely again and again, one hit after another, one strike against the red interior, until it was gone. I loved that truck, and now, now I just hated the constant reminder of it causing excruciating memories.

I guess you always love your first love the most.

Then the reminders of the other Cullens came.

Especially Alice.

I thought she was my best friend. I guess even my mind played tricks on me.

I couldn't shop without crying and breaking down, I couldn't wear stylish clothes without washing them with my tears, I couldn't even step into a mall without going into a catatonic state.

I really thought that through all of this, she would stick by me.

She never even said goodbye.

Then there was the opposite of the cold. The _heat. _Anything warm, hot, tanned, brown, pine-smelling, a rabbit car, werewolves, rusty red fur, anything the opposite of Edward. It just made everything worse.

And then there was David.

He reminded me of doctors, nurses, anyone in uniform walking by, anyone in a cast when he first treated me, a flash of blonde hair, white walls, hospitals, wards, engagement rings.

My life was forever haunted by my memories, and enduring the unbearable pain that followed.

Do you know how much time it took for me to say Edward?

Seventeen years after he left me.

It was the same age as him.

A salt crystal streaked my cheeks and I wiped it away sharply. I could not cry over him, he would never cry over me, even if he could cry.

I could possibly pass for a vampire now.

I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I wouldn't go out on sunny days, my skin was a deathly pallor, I had dark bruised, purple bags under my eyes, I was lifeless.

I wouldn't blush, I never showed fear and I was just an emotionless zombie.

I could pass for a vampire, if I was beautiful.

I was always reminded of that.

I was an unworthy cow, a bitter hag, a sour heartless, angry, stupid, ugly, hideous woman.

I knew that now.

But twenty years ago I didn't know better.

I just let anyone and everyone prance into my life, and it caused so much heartache, that I became catatonic so many times that I created a new record for the Guinness' World Record book. Nineteen times catatonic and once in a coma. I was lucky to be alive they said. I would say I was very unlucky.

Couldn't I just die already?

I never let anyone in, not after Leah. I knew that I would never find anyone, but I knew Leah had someone special out there, she never told me she imprinted a day before her death.

She never really had a chance too, she didn't have a chance of having her heart healed either, not anymore.

And now I was here, in Forks hospital.

I had Leukaemia.

I was going to die soon.

Would it be sick and twisted to add that I was glad?

The pain would soon be gone.

I would be free.

I wouldn't feel as if my heart was dissolving with each step that I took.

I wouldn't feel that I was grotesque, stupid, hideous, unworthy of everyone that even glanced at me.

I wouldn't feel the pain anymore.

I wouldn't feel the heartache of watching two people holding hands, two people locking eyes, two people kissing, two people hugging, two people together at all that were of different genders.

I wouldn't feel.

Because I was already dead.

My body just needed to catch up with the rest of me.

There wouldn't be any painful reminders of everyday life.

I couldn't be a burden to anyone whilst I was dead.

Or could I?

I wouldn't be surprised. As long as I couldn't feel, I was fine. My life was just a treacherous and riddled with evil lies, their soul purpose was to destroy me. And they truly had.

I was not me anymore. Isabella Swan was long gone. I couldn't even hear the name Bella without going into a catatonic state.

Everything and anything set it off.

I was so close to the edge.

So close to falling off.

So close to salvation.

And then Angela Weber pulled me back. It wouldn't be the first time. She saved me all those years ago. She saw me going to La Push, and she didn't want me to get hurt, even though she was from me ignoring her.

She pulled me back, to think, I could have ended this much sooner.

She was one of those friends I thought would stay forever as well.

She got engaged to Ben Cheney after they went to college together, they were coming back to celebrate the good news, before another good life was stolen from the world.

She never did make it back, nor did Ben. They died of a drunken lorry driver who was on the wrong side of the road. To think, they could have had a happy ending, all if that driver was on the right side of the road.

Why are all the good people's lives stolen?

Because Heaven wants them as angels, I had originally thought.

No, God was just a devious person who wanted to torture good people for fun. I had lost faith years ago, hope was lost years ago. Everything was lost years ago.

I had nothing left.

No where to go, no where to turn.

And any minute now I was going to die.

Hopefully.

_My Last Words,_

Isabella Marie Swan

P.S. If the Cullens are reading this at all, seeing as your probably on a guilt trip right now, just please read my notes attached with you name on them.

They're not much, and I know you don't care about me but I care about you.

Even if I have turned into a bitter hag.

-:-

**Esme:**

I'm sorry I couldn't be the daughter you all lived up to, I didn't deserve to even think of you as a second mom. Thank you for cooking all those lovely meals Esme, even a human couldn't cook better then you.

Just keep being kind Esme. Keep being kind.

It's something you always seem to do.

I love you,

Bella.

-:-

**Carlisle:**

I wanted to start off with a thank you. Thank you for saving my life so many times, you didn't have to, after all, I am worthless.

Compassion is a wonderful thing, don't ever give up on being a doctor Carlisle. I always thought of you as a second dad.

Sometimes, not all people can heal.

You have to learn that you can't save everyone.

Bella.

-:-

**Jasper:**

I know you felt guilty about nearly biting me that day, on my birthday. Wow, that seems so far away, but it wasn't your fault at all. It was not you who was trying to kill me, it was the monster inside.

Just make me one promise Jasper, please sustain from human blood.

If not for me, then for Alice.

It was a shame I didn't get to know you better.

Bella.

-:-

**Emmett:**

I always wanted a big brother, then I got you, for a little time at least. You always embarrassed me or cheered me up, even if you left without a goodbye.

I missed your bear hugs. No one can do them like you do, and believe me, I have gotten some from werewolves but none were as good as yours, they didn't even come close.

Love,

Bells.

-:-

**Alice:**

I really despised your makeovers, but looking back, I missed you fussing over me and demanding that I try on this dress and that dress even if I _did_ look ridiculous. I missed you. Words can't say how much I hoped you'd surprise me out of the blue one day and just say it was all just a big joke, and you hadn't really left.

Now I can't even go into a mall without having a crying fit.

They always remind me of you.

My best friend.

Bella.

-:-

**Rosalie:**

I know you didn't like me much, okay, not at all, but even if you are reading this, which I'm sure you're not, all I wanted to say was that even though you hated me, I didn't hate you.

Maybe in some other life we could get to know each other better.

You're still more beautiful then any other person I've met. Human, vampire, or werewolf.

Bella

-:-

**Edward:**

I know that I'm not good enough for you, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or enough at all. You're probably reading this now with your wife or girlfriend and laughing but, all I wanted to say is that even though you left nineteen years ago. I never did get over you.

Even the littlest things put me into painful memories of you.

Thank you for the memories, even though they torture me, I wouldn't give anyone of them away for riches or happiness.

Because, happiness is with you.

I don't blame you for leaving, seeing as there was nothing special left behind.

I always loved you, even though you never returned it.

I still do.

I love you.

Bella.

-:-

I wrote the last word with my pen as the tears splashed on the paper.

The beeping started on the heart monitor.

To think I could have ended this sorrow earlier. All by jumping off that cliff.

It became more frequent and frequent, hurrying faster and faster.

I saw the perfection of Edward, the gliding of Alice, the face of Carlisle, followed in blurs by the rest of the Cullens.

Funny, as I'm about to die, I hallucinate the people I always thought of as a second family.

One tear came down my cheek.

Before a sharp pang entered my neck.

I felt the venom, but not before the heart monitor flat-lined.

-:-

The venom can't flow without the heart.

The heart had stopped beating.

The venom had stopped flowing through her veins.

Isabella Marie Swan was dead.

-:-

**AN: Sad isn't it. ( I feel bad for writing it! **

**AND YES EDWARD AND THE REST WERE ACTUALLY THERE, SHE WAS NOT HALLUCINATING!**

**Please review, maybe I can do a sequel when she is reincarnated or something!**

**Oh yesh! Please do and say if you want a sequel to say if she's reincarnated! **


	2. Authoress' Note

**_Authoress' Note:_**

****

I've read through this in my head several times.

And i've come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't do a sequel.

It's not anyone's thought but I actually wanted to do a one-shot of her actually DIEING.

No offence. Im not sick. Im not mad. It always seems that she 'miraculously' comes back from the dead or something.

I don't want it to be like that.

For once, I wanted Bella to be human and not turn into a vampire all the time and be found and lal is well again.

I wanted a sad ending for once.

Like Romeo & Juliet except that is the most tremendous and beautiful love, 'My only love has sprung from my only hate' tale.

Yes i just quoted the story, so what?!

But mine is stricty amateur, possibly worse.

Sorry.

No Sequel. Plus i've got a lot of stories to finish.


	3. Outtake Edward

-:-

'_**Already Dead' – A Twilight One-Shot**_

_**By No Ordinary Cinderella**_

-:-

Bella's POV

_Dear Diary:_

_He left me three days after my birthday. _

_He left. _

_I searched blindly through the forest looking for him, without him, I am good as dead. I was catatonic when they found me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. _

_Was it because I wasn't good enough?_

_Not pretty enough?_

_He always seems like a Greek god whilst I just look like a plain jane standing against him. I knew I wasn't good enough for him but I always hoped that I would be someday or that he really did love me. _

_I really was a fool to think that HE of all people, could love, stupid, boring, plain me. _

_He would have probably got more thrills out of Jessica or Lauren so why did he pick my heart to mess around with? _

_Because I had never had a boyfriend before? Because I wasn't good enough for anybody? Because he wanted to get the new girl before any one else could? _

_Who knows his reasons but they were cruel enough to plunge a thick knife in my heart, causing a deep gash but not too deep that I would die. _

_All I feel is pain. Blinding pain. It all started where the hole in my heart was, or should I say…where it used to be. _

_Why did I fall in love? _

_Love is just a cruel game to manipulate people's feelings and I wish that Valentine's Day could be ripped to shreds. Everyone is going round in twos, holding each others hands, hugging, kissing, and what was I doing? With each new sight of them, my knees start to get heavier and the tear ducts become wetter, until I can't force them back anymore and am left sobbing on the ground against the wall thinking how I was never good enough for him. _

_I wish I was. _

_All I could think about was Edward. Edward this, Edward that. These past months all I have written in this stupid diary is about Edward. Well I've had enough of Edward, he's already taken my heart and gone, so why is he still torturing me? _

_Charlie's turned his back on me now, I don't even realise my friends are even on the same table I'm on when having lunch. I just always look at the table where the Cullen's used to be, where me and Edward used to sit. _

_I imagine him in my head sometimes. I imagine that he's talking to me, imagining that he really loves me. How could I be so wrong? He never did! _

_The week when I was found do you know what was the first thing I did?_

_I looked for his goddamn picture so I could cherish it forever, even if I wasn't going to live for forever. _

_And when I got there…it was gone. _

'_It will be like I hadn't existed.' His smooth words circled themselves in my mind. _

_Do you know how long I searched for a picture of him? I searched for three months, there was no traces of him anywhere, and I didn't got the Cullen household for the fear there would be nothing there, or something will be there. I'm so pathetic. _

_What if I forgot what his face looks like? His crooked smile, his laugh, his golden eyes, his bronze hair, his gentlemanly actions, what if I forgot all about him? _

_I couldn't take it. I would rather kill myself then let him suffer for one second. Even if I loved him and he never loved me. _

_I could see why he never wanted to change me, it was all because he didn't want to spend eternity with me, it wasn't about that bullshit of taking my humanity. _

_I couldn't believe he was gone, they were gone. And they weren't ever coming back. _

_I thought they'd say goodbye, especially Alice, but it just shows how they never wanted me around in the first place, they never even wanted me there and I just showed up oblivious to it all. Maybe that's the real reason Jasper tried to bite me, because he felt sorry for me and was going to change me or he really did want to kill me, whether he was in control of it or not. _

_Alice just wanted me as her little Barbie doll, just so she could see how ridiculous I looked against her magnificent beauty. Is that why she was my best friend? She never cared at all about me, she just wanted her little Barbie doll to pale in comparison against her. _

_Rosalie was the only true Cullen. She showed me she hated me and she didn't want me around. She made it obvious everytime I went there. I was grateful for her nasty looks and remarks now because she was just saving me the humiliation and hurt that I would have later. I probably couldn't take it if another Cullen didn't announce their hate earlier. _

_Why break my heart?_

_Why ruin my life?_

_Why make me love a Greek god and then find out you can't love anyone else? _

_Why ME?_

_I've already been through so much pain, I've already been through so much, and I suddenly felt significant and not useless for once when Edward 'loved' me. Now I just feel pain, scars, and bruises. Have I mentioned that Charlie started to hit me now? _

_He grew angry, and I was just his emotional outburst. Punch bag, whatever._

_I didn't care because I couldn't feel anymore. _

_I never felt any feelings, I was just a living, breathing, zombie and I was planning to kill myself off a cliff near La Push, so that the pain could finally stop, how could I ever live without Edward anyway?_

_The answer was that I couldn't. _

_-:-_

Authoress' Note:

This is kind of like part of her diary, not her last entry but a certain page in it as she did write regularly in it so it has her life story in there. I will probably put more outtakes on here so you can see how she fell in love with David the doctor and Jake and how she felt abandoned and how she planned to kill herself etc.

All very angst.

Please review.


	4. An Numero Un

**_Authoress' Note:_**

Okay, for everyone who wants to know, I am **changing** my **pen name** to **Just Your Average Teenage Girl**, because my last one was getting a little boring.

Hehe, I like change.

Oh, and if possible, I may update tomorrow, it depends if im busy.

Hope everyone had a nice christmas and new years!


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